Weekend in Review...

This weekend we had a couple of firsts. On Friday night, Bethany went to her very first dance! It was with Justin of course and was the Parks and Rec. Father-Daughter sweetheart dance. She was excited about it for weeks (and her daddy was as well :) That day she began asking when it would be time to go about 7 hours ahead and then I finally gave in and let her get ready 2 hours before. She picked her party dress, sandals, leggings, sweater, scarf, necklace, and glitter. She had me french braid her hair (though she did manage to jump on the mini-trampoline before leaving, so I had to do a little repair work with some bobby pins...I was happy to have the excuse though, because my french-braiding skills leave a little to be desired!)

Her daddy arrived home to a VERY excited little girl. He even brought her a bouquet of pink carnations which are currently being proudly displayed in her room. They headed out to the dance, although she was a little teary about leaving mommy. This is a new development, she doesn't like to leave either of us...at all...ever. We're assuming this has to do with the new baby on the way, but we definitely don't understand it when this hadn't been the case for a very long time. (Anyone know what the deal is, with sudden-four-year-old separation anxiety?) Nevertheless, after I got one teary phone call from the dance saying she missed me (here's hoping this is the only teary phone call I get from a dance!), her daddy charmed her and she had an amazing evening with him! She got a corsage, made a candy necklace, had pizza, cupcakes, and danced a lot with her sweet dad! He spoiled her with attention and lots of spins on the dance floor! She definitely had a memorable night, and it was the sweetest thing to see a little girl adore her daddy and a daddy adore his little girl as much as they do!

Meanwhile, Trevor and I also had a little date. We went to Chipotle (a fav for both of us) with our very good friends who were also on a mommy-son date during the dance. Before they arrived I was asking Trevor what his favorite thing in the world to do is. His reply, "Spend time with mommy, and daddy, and Bethany!" It was very sweet - he also seemed to really enjoy yelling in the restaurant and climbing under the table with his friend, Andrew. Our next stop was Peter Piper Pizza (there, I said it, Molly!) which was...interesting. Who knew that it would attract such a ridiculously large crowd on a Friday night? Anyway, after encouraging our boys to play in the free climber we indulged them in a couple of games. Trev's favorite was of course the one where you ride the pretend motorcycle race, since he would like to be a "motorcycle guy and tire guy" when he grows up. In fact, the other day he asked me to sign him up for the preschool where they teach you how to be a motorcycle/tire guy. I unfortunately had to inform him that vocational training usually doesn't start quite this young. :) Anyway, he had a ball on the motorcycle game (once we pried the family in front of us, who was monopolizing the game and trying to apparently buy the entire establishment in tickets, off for the little guys to have a turn.) Nevertheless, we all had a great time!

Then, on Saturday we took the kids to watch their first basketball game. We headed over to a very less than crowded ASU game and we had no idea how much fun we would have! The free pom-poms, the pizza, the popcorn, the cotton candy, and the entertaining mascot were pretty great for the kids.

Bethany imitated and loved watching the cheerleaders, and Trevor decided that he wanted to be #10 on the team once we told him that player would be the position he would have. Everytime the crowd would cheer, he would turn to me and say, "Who made the shoot, mom?!?" He was always pleased when I would say the white team, and then he would beam with pride if it happened to be made by #10. Amazingly enough, they even lasted the entire game, which was great since it came down to the last second before ASU won. It was really fun to take our big kids to do something like this as a family. Trev asked to go back again today. :) Luckily, we had a friend's birthday party to attend today to cap off the weekend with some cake and a bounce house. Good times were had by all!

Note: she's really not hurting him here...they were just being "silly" for the picture. They're really angels ;)

Our Loss, Her Gain...

Today was a tough day for our family. We lost Justin's sweet grandmother, Jo, this morning. She had been put on hospice just yesterday morning and none of us were expecting her to pass away so quickly. We were all able to be there last night, and though she was sleeping, we at least got to see her one last time. The strangest part was that J and the kids and I had just been there a week ago visiting her at the assisted living home she had lived at for the past year. And she was doing really well. We were having lots of great laughs and talks as the kids were entertaining us as always. She really loved our kids. And, she always really loved us. I lost my last grandparent several years ago, but always felt as though Nammy was my own, too.

She was one of those people who is incredibly real, charming, and makes friends wherever she went. She taught elementary school for many years (and would still have former second graders stay in touch as adults), raised 4 great kids, doted on 9 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. She had already started knitting for our little one on the way. She was so spunky and really truly cared about us all. I always loved being able to talk to her about parenting and teaching and hear her candid responses. She was an incredible woman, and her legacy definitely lives on in the lives of her children, grandchildren, and hopefully, great-grandchildren.

I was really nervous about sharing with the kids about her passing away. I knew I couldn't avoid it for long because they would be asking about her and wanting to visit. They got very serious when I began talking about it. They asked a lot of questions...primarily how she got to heaven. They speculated that maybe she went on a roller coaster, but then settled on the fact that Jesus carried her there. They were relieved to hear that heaven is more wonderful than any other place because you get to be with Jesus...and they were glad to know that Jesus had healed all of her "owies" and that there would be food in heaven, too. They talked about her probably dancing there because she wouldn't have to worry about her knees. T was still unsure why she couldn't just come to lunch with us today because Jesus had healed her and he wanted to see her.

And they talked a lot about how someday all of us would get to see her there again. B knew Nana (my mother-in-law) must be sad because she misses her mom and dad now, but we talked about how happy she is that Nammy is with Jesus. And really we all are. As I sit here, I am not sad for her one bit, only for us. And I am thankful for the saving grace of Christ that makes us not need to be sad or afraid. So, all in all, I was amazed at how well the kids took it and seemed to understand as best they could. I hope that Nammy knew how much she will be missed.

"I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. ⁵¹ Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed—⁵² in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. ⁵³ For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. ⁵⁴ When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
⁵⁵ “Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?”
⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. ⁵⁷ But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
⁵⁸ Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
1 Corinthians 15:50-58 (NIV)

We're expecting!

SO, it's no secret, I have been seriously neglecting the blog. I have a good excuse...I have spent a good portion of the last few months either vomiting or feeling like I was going to. But, it's all for a good reason - we are expecting! And we couldn't be more thrilled! In fact, we just had our 19 week ultrasound and the doctor said that everything looks good so far. We are so excited to welcome this sweet little baby into our family. It is definitely an answer to prayer, and we continue to pray for it's on-going health.

Even though it was only 4 years ago that I was pregnant, I had forgotten a lot about it. For example, I forgot just how sick and exhausted I was for weeks 7-17. I was can't-get-off-the-couch-or-keep-my-eyes-open-except-to-get-sick kind of ill. The kids however were feeling their energetic norm. Seeing me sick at the kitchen sink didn't seem to worry them, other than the fact that it took me an extra minute or two to compose myself before I could get them their frozen waffle. Thankfully, the grandparents and some good friends have been very helpful, and J has stepped it up big time. Also, anti-nausea medication is my dear friend.

I had also forgotten just how unbelievably sweet it is to feel little baby kicks inside of you. It is pretty amazing... almost amazing enough to make me forget how awful I felt...almost. I am treasuring each little movement!

The kids are in general pretty excited about it. B wants to share her room with the baby and has come up with some pretty excellent name ideas - today's was Wonder Red if it's a boy. T definitely does NOT want to share his room. They like to come up and give it kisses and talk to it. But, I have noticed that when the grandparents give any attention to clothes or ultrasound pictures for it, they are less than happy about that. I realized I probably need to read up on how to lessen the blow of a new baby in the family...anyone have any good resources or ideas?

Nevertheless, thanks for sharing in our excitement! We appreciate your continued prayers for a healthy little one!

"The Lonely Place"

When we got back from Kenya, I decided that it was important for our kids to be more involved with serving others in our everyday life. One of the things we decided to do was get involved with a local assisted living facility. With our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers group) at our church we decided to create artwork monthly and then bring it over to the seniors to brighten their days. We started in September and each time we would go, B would talk about how were going to go bring pictures to "the lonely place." :)

For fall, we decided we would do a little activity with them as well, and we set up for the kids to go "trick or treating" during the seniors' lunchtime. The kids get candy and a chance to dress-up and the seniors get to see a bunch of pretty cute kids in adorable costumes. It seemed like a win-win. And, that, it certainly was!

The activities director at the home said she had never seen the residents smile so big, and the seniors warmed our hearts too as they all each tried to get the kids attention. Even though we provided the candy, many of the seniors insisted that they buy candy while on their group outings so they would have some of their own to give the kids. It was adorable! The only truly funny moment was when a man in a motorized wheelchair and a full-face mask came towards T and he ran for me as fast as his feet could take him. We had such a wonderful time, and are now trying to figure out what kind of caroling visit we can organize for December. Thanks to everyone who participated - you made it great!

A Transracial Adoption Must-Read

So, you may have noticed J and I like to make a decision and then go for it. Well, a few years ago we went to Ethiopia, saw there were a lot of orphans, wanted to start a family, and started the adoption process. Sure, I read a book here or there, but most of the absolutely vital things we have learned about attaching with an adopted child and adopting a child of a different race (which are both HUGE deals) we have learned after the fact. I have read some pretty excellent books and talked with some very helpful people since then, however, in regards to the race-related issues, I just finished a book that should be a must-read for every transracially adoptive parent (or potential transracially adoptive parent). It is called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rhonda Roorda and Rita Simon. The book is made up of a small section of expert opinions, statistics on related studies, and then 24 interviews with adults who as infants or children were adopted into families of another race.

I held my breath at first, hoping that the book would tell me that transracial adoptees are happy and healthy and everything is okay. Thankfully, the empirical evidence and overall interviews did show that most of the children had a positive experience with their families ::sigh of relief!:: and would continue to recommend transracial adoptions. However, there were also plenty of parts of the book that were hard to read, such as the descriptions of the racism these children faced and the identity issues some of them struggled through.


For example one African American male stockbroker who was raised by white parents shares, "As I got older, I stopped being this cute little boy and others perceived me as this black teenager and a menace to society. Apparently I was liable to rape, kill, or whatever. I got pulled over by cops, I got slammed against the wall with a flashlight up in my face. The fact that I was able to go to my dad and see his pain and outrage, the same way as I was feeling even though he had never experienced it, was a support system for me" p. 296. The interviewer then shared that "When I do public speaking before parents who have dark-skinned sons, I tell them to prepare for the fact that their sons will be treated unfairly because of the color of their skin" p. 297. Talk about breaking a mother's heart! The stories that were shared in this book were so out of my realm of understanding as a white woman. Thinking about the fact that T may (and most likely will) face this type of injustice in his lifetime sickens me and makes me want to better educate myself on the issues he will face as well as how to prepare him. I want to give him the most secure start he can have, and this book gave some helpful insights.

The best part of the book was hearing from these adults exactly what they would have done differently or what they were thankful that their parents had done a certain way. Basically, most suggestions could be summarized in:
*Provide a loving home where the child can be accepted for who they are and are encouraged to develop self-confidence. Help the child to learn more about their ethnic heritage (celebrate black history, etc.) and explore their identity without feeling threatened. Openly discuss race and racial issues. Appreciate their culture and have items, dolls, books, etc. that do, too.
*Have an experience where you are the minority (so you can relate to how your child feels all of the time. I definitely think being in Kenya helped me understand the possible discomfort better. They suggest ethnic churches for a similar experience.)
*Recognize and validate the unique challenges that your child will face that you haven't. Don't pretend that everyone is colorblind. Instead talk through incidents as they occur. Although, race may not be a big deal to you, even though we wish it, that is not the case for the majority of society. We need to prepare our children to deal with such inequities.
*Raise them in a diverse community and with a foundational belief in God. Put a high value on education, too.
*Have friends who are of the child's race, or who have transracially adopted, and if possible, give the child a sibling of similar background. Give them role models of their race to look up to.

The book ends with this paragraph, "All participants believe that transracial adoption served them well; all of them feel connected to their adoptive parents; and all except one, support transracial adoption, but with strong recommendation that agencies and prospective parents recognize the importance of learning about their child's racial history and culture and make that history and culture part of both their child's life and their family life" p. 192.

When we grow up in the family of our own ethnicity we never have to "learn" culture. However, when we adopt transracially we are no longer just a white family. We no longer blend in and we need to fully understand the impact and responsibility of raising a child of a different race. I don't think many people think through this before they make the decision to transracially adopt. I know we didn't. However, for T's sake I sure hope that we can now continue to learn and be mindful of this great responsibility. He is certainly worth it! And we gain some beautiful things ourselves: a precious son, a new richer understanding of another culture, and hopefully the diversity even in our home will fight our own ethnocentrism and make the world look a bit more like God intended. This is an excellent resource and I highly recommend it! Love to hear your thoughts, too...

Growing Up!

Right now, the kids are watching Dora as I take a brief pre-bedtime break. We have had a really great day today. We woke up and pretended we were at a camp out, then we played Memory which was really fun until the last couple of minutes when a fight broke out and preschool legs started flying. That's kind of our deal lately. We have lots of fun until they remember that they are brother and sister and should be doing something to antagonize/bother/injure the other one. I spend the majority of my day when we are at home as a referee. That is the primary reason why we get out so much.

So, once they started brawling I knew it was my cue to get us out of the house. We went to the gym where they happily went and played in the bouncer. Then we went to the mall and used a gift card for lunch at Wildflower bread company where we actually had a pleasant lunch together. They sat there with me and we talked and enjoyed our food and no one had a high chair or a difficult time remaining seated. We didn't use a stroller at the mall. They just walked with me (and ran, but not too far from where I was). We went to Barnes and Noble and read books together where no one flipped out about not buying anything. In fact, they happily left the mall empty handed. They enjoyed a bit of the survival of the fittest in the mall play area and then we headed home. We played pet store (which they came up with), ate dinner, took showers and laid down for a movie before bed. And all the while I was able to enjoy their cute comments and just feel so blessed that they are mine. One of my highlights was when we got into a kissing fight where we each tried to smooch each other as much as possible and ended up in big giggles. :)

This all may sound pretty normal and uneventful, however, it is kind of a milestone for us. The biggest accomplishment is that I don't feel like going crazy and we are only 2 nights away from J's return from Africa. Yes, we had a fun day together and we have been without daddy for 5 days. Don't get us wrong, we miss him terribly, but I am not on the exhausted verge of tears that I usually am at this point in his trips. The kids are growing up so very quickly! Not to mention we had some AMAZING help from grandparents on both sides earlier in the week as well as WONDERFUL friends who kept us busy and distracted. I guess I just feel really happy to see how much we can enjoy each other and do more than survive. I credit it to each child only waking up once per night on average, the incredible support system we have here, and the fact that these kids are really growing up. I love days like this...they really make this whole journey so wonderful, event he days that are not like this. And, I really love that we get to pick daddy up at the airport in only 42ish more hours. Even great days are even better when he is around!

Good Mothers Don't...

So, typically I am not a big fan of books about how to be a good mom because they usually make me feel guilty and seem too unrealistic anyhow. However, I have been reading this book called, Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul, with a couple of friends, and I have actually been enjoying it. She has talked a lot about making sure you care for your soul because the care you give to your family overflows from that.

In one section, the author talks about how she had always tried to subscribe to this imaginary unspoken list in her head of what a good mother does. She goes on to list things like: always has a clean house, always has a healthy made-from-scratch meal on the table when dinnertime rolls around, does at least one craft per day with her children, has the patience of Job, etc... These things sound ridiculous when you read them in list form, though I find myself very guilty of making myself feel guilty with these weird standards of what a "good mother" does or doesn't do. I started to think as I went through my day about the things that would happen and what the apparent rules on my list were. Here are a few I came up with:

1. A good mother does not have a child who rolls around on the floor yelling in Ross.

2. A good mother doesn't have (or need) her kids to watch more than ____ amount of T.V.

3. A good mother doesn't have a child who demands a glass of milk before even attempting to simply ask for one.

4. A good mother definitely doesn't let her child have ____ amount of sugar (and she certainly doesn't let her child eat 5 mini-cupcakes in a day).

5. A good mother doesn't raise her voice to get her children to stop pouncing on each other.

6. A good mother can get tired, cranky kids to nap when they need to.

7. A good mother can keep the house clean without extreme efforts.

8. A good mother always has a fun, educational activity up her sleeve.

9. A good mother models patience and all that is good - even on mornings like this one....

As you may have guessed each one of those rules was violated by me in the recent past. And each time I violate one of those "rules" I hear in my head how very far I have to go as a mom and how I have probably ruined my children. And, as I see my faults, I get discouraged, because I have perfectionist, first-born tendencies I can't kick.

Then, I realize what I need to hear. I need to hear, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9. And, I need to throw that list out the window for every other purpose than to remind myself that though there is MUCH weakness, there are that many more opportunities for his strength. I think I need to think a lot more about God and a lot less about me. And, hopefully, my kids will wear rose-colored glasses when they remember their childhood - maybe I will just order those now...