Saturday, September 18, 2010

A Transracial Adoption Must-Read

So, you may have noticed J and I like to make a decision and then go for it. Well, a few years ago we went to Ethiopia, saw there were a lot of orphans, wanted to start a family, and started the adoption process. Sure, I read a book here or there, but most of the absolutely vital things we have learned about attaching with an adopted child and adopting a child of a different race (which are both HUGE deals) we have learned after the fact. I have read some pretty excellent books and talked with some very helpful people since then, however, in regards to the race-related issues, I just finished a book that should be a must-read for every transracially adoptive parent (or potential transracially adoptive parent). It is called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rhonda Roorda and Rita Simon. The book is made up of a small section of expert opinions, statistics on related studies, and then 24 interviews with adults who as infants or children were adopted into families of another race.

I held my breath at first, hoping that the book would tell me that transracial adoptees are happy and healthy and everything is okay. Thankfully, the empirical evidence and overall interviews did show that most of the children had a positive experience with their families ::sigh of relief!:: and would continue to recommend transracial adoptions. However, there were also plenty of parts of the book that were hard to read, such as the descriptions of the racism these children faced and the identity issues some of them struggled through.

For example one African American male stockbroker who was raised by white parents shares, "As I got older, I stopped being this cute little boy and others perceived me as this black teenager and a menace to society. Apparently I was liable to rape, kill, or whatever. I got pulled over by cops, I got slammed against the wall with a flashlight up in my face. The fact that I was able to go to my dad and see his pain and outrage, the same way as I was feeling even though he had never experienced it, was a support system for me" p. 296. The interviewer then shared that "When I do public speaking before parents who have dark-skinned sons, I tell them to prepare for the fact that their sons will be treated unfairly because of the color of their skin" p. 297. Talk about breaking a mother's heart! The stories that were shared in this book were so out of my realm of understanding as a white woman. Thinking about the fact that T may (and most likely will) face this type of injustice in his lifetime sickens me and makes me want to better educate myself on the issues he will face as well as how to prepare him. I want to give him the most secure start he can have, and this book gave some helpful insights.

The best part of the book was hearing from these adults exactly what they would have done differently or what they were thankful that their parents had done a certain way. Basically, most suggestions could be summarized in:
*Provide a loving home where the child can be accepted for who they are and are encouraged to develop self-confidence. Help the child to learn more about their ethnic heritage (celebrate black history, etc.) and explore their identity without feeling threatened. Openly discuss race and racial issues. Appreciate their culture and have items, dolls, books, etc. that do, too.
*Have an experience where you are the minority (so you can relate to how your child feels all of the time. I definitely think being in Kenya helped me understand the possible discomfort better. They suggest ethnic churches for a similar experience.)
*Recognize and validate the unique challenges that your child will face that you haven't. Don't pretend that everyone is colorblind. Instead talk through incidents as they occur. Although, race may not be a big deal to you, even though we wish it, that is not the case for the majority of society. We need to prepare our children to deal with such inequities.
*Raise them in a diverse community and with a foundational belief in God. Put a high value on education, too.
*Have friends who are of the child's race, or who have transracially adopted, and if possible, give the child a sibling of similar background. Give them role models of their race to look up to.

The book ends with this paragraph, "All participants believe that transracial adoption served them well; all of them feel connected to their adoptive parents; and all except one, support transracial adoption, but with strong recommendation that agencies and prospective parents recognize the importance of learning about their child's racial history and culture and make that history and culture part of both their child's life and their family life" p. 192.

When we grow up in the family of our own ethnicity we never have to "learn" culture. However, when we adopt transracially we are no longer just a white family. We no longer blend in and we need to fully understand the impact and responsibility of raising a child of a different race. I don't think many people think through this before they make the decision to transracially adopt. I know we didn't. However, for T's sake I sure hope that we can now continue to learn and be mindful of this great responsibility. He is certainly worth it! And we gain some beautiful things ourselves: a precious son, a new richer understanding of another culture, and hopefully the diversity even in our home will fight our own ethnocentrism and make the world look a bit more like God intended. This is an excellent resource and I highly recommend it! Love to hear your thoughts, too...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Growing Up!

Right now, the kids are watching Dora as I take a brief pre-bedtime break. We have had a really great day today. We woke up and pretended we were at a camp out, then we played Memory which was really fun until the last couple of minutes when a fight broke out and preschool legs started flying. That's kind of our deal lately. We have lots of fun until they remember that they are brother and sister and should be doing something to antagonize/bother/injure the other one. I spend the majority of my day when we are at home as a referee. That is the primary reason why we get out so much.
So, once they started brawling I knew it was my cue to get us out of the house. We went to the gym where they happily went and played in the bouncer. Then we went to the mall and used a gift card for lunch at Wildflower bread company where we actually had a pleasant lunch together. They sat there with me and we talked and enjoyed our food and no one had a high chair or a difficult time remaining seated. We didn't use a stroller at the mall. They just walked with me (and ran, but not too far from where I was). We went to Barnes and Noble and read books together where no one flipped out about not buying anything. In fact, they happily left the mall empty handed. They enjoyed a bit of the survival of the fittest in the mall play area and then we headed home. We played pet store (which they came up with), ate dinner, took showers and laid down for a movie before bed. And all the while I was able to enjoy their cute comments and just feel so blessed that they are mine. One of my highlights was when we got into a kissing fight where we each tried to smooch each other as much as possible and ended up in big giggles. :)

This all may sound pretty normal and uneventful, however, it is kind of a milestone for us. The biggest accomplishment is that I don't feel like going crazy and we are only 2 nights away from J's return from Africa. Yes, we had a fun day together and we have been without daddy for 5 days. Don't get us wrong, we miss him terribly, but I am not on the exhausted verge of tears that I usually am at this point in his trips. The kids are growing up so very quickly! Not to mention we had some AMAZING help from grandparents on both sides earlier in the week as well as WONDERFUL friends who kept us busy and distracted. I guess I just feel really happy to see how much we can enjoy each other and do more than survive. I credit it to each child only waking up once per night on average, the incredible support system we have here, and the fact that these kids are really growing up. I love days like this...they really make this whole journey so wonderful, event he days that are not like this. And, I really love that we get to pick daddy up at the airport in only 42ish more hours. Even great days are even better when he is around!