A Transracial Adoption Must-Read

So, you may have noticed J and I like to make a decision and then go for it. Well, a few years ago we went to Ethiopia, saw there were a lot of orphans, wanted to start a family, and started the adoption process. Sure, I read a book here or there, but most of the absolutely vital things we have learned about attaching with an adopted child and adopting a child of a different race (which are both HUGE deals) we have learned after the fact. I have read some pretty excellent books and talked with some very helpful people since then, however, in regards to the race-related issues, I just finished a book that should be a must-read for every transracially adoptive parent (or potential transracially adoptive parent). It is called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rhonda Roorda and Rita Simon. The book is made up of a small section of expert opinions, statistics on related studies, and then 24 interviews with adults who as infants or children were adopted into families of another race.

I held my breath at first, hoping that the book would tell me that transracial adoptees are happy and healthy and everything is okay. Thankfully, the empirical evidence and overall interviews did show that most of the children had a positive experience with their families ::sigh of relief!:: and would continue to recommend transracial adoptions. However, there were also plenty of parts of the book that were hard to read, such as the descriptions of the racism these children faced and the identity issues some of them struggled through.


For example one African American male stockbroker who was raised by white parents shares, "As I got older, I stopped being this cute little boy and others perceived me as this black teenager and a menace to society. Apparently I was liable to rape, kill, or whatever. I got pulled over by cops, I got slammed against the wall with a flashlight up in my face. The fact that I was able to go to my dad and see his pain and outrage, the same way as I was feeling even though he had never experienced it, was a support system for me" p. 296. The interviewer then shared that "When I do public speaking before parents who have dark-skinned sons, I tell them to prepare for the fact that their sons will be treated unfairly because of the color of their skin" p. 297. Talk about breaking a mother's heart! The stories that were shared in this book were so out of my realm of understanding as a white woman. Thinking about the fact that T may (and most likely will) face this type of injustice in his lifetime sickens me and makes me want to better educate myself on the issues he will face as well as how to prepare him. I want to give him the most secure start he can have, and this book gave some helpful insights.

The best part of the book was hearing from these adults exactly what they would have done differently or what they were thankful that their parents had done a certain way. Basically, most suggestions could be summarized in:
*Provide a loving home where the child can be accepted for who they are and are encouraged to develop self-confidence. Help the child to learn more about their ethnic heritage (celebrate black history, etc.) and explore their identity without feeling threatened. Openly discuss race and racial issues. Appreciate their culture and have items, dolls, books, etc. that do, too.
*Have an experience where you are the minority (so you can relate to how your child feels all of the time. I definitely think being in Kenya helped me understand the possible discomfort better. They suggest ethnic churches for a similar experience.)
*Recognize and validate the unique challenges that your child will face that you haven't. Don't pretend that everyone is colorblind. Instead talk through incidents as they occur. Although, race may not be a big deal to you, even though we wish it, that is not the case for the majority of society. We need to prepare our children to deal with such inequities.
*Raise them in a diverse community and with a foundational belief in God. Put a high value on education, too.
*Have friends who are of the child's race, or who have transracially adopted, and if possible, give the child a sibling of similar background. Give them role models of their race to look up to.

The book ends with this paragraph, "All participants believe that transracial adoption served them well; all of them feel connected to their adoptive parents; and all except one, support transracial adoption, but with strong recommendation that agencies and prospective parents recognize the importance of learning about their child's racial history and culture and make that history and culture part of both their child's life and their family life" p. 192.

When we grow up in the family of our own ethnicity we never have to "learn" culture. However, when we adopt transracially we are no longer just a white family. We no longer blend in and we need to fully understand the impact and responsibility of raising a child of a different race. I don't think many people think through this before they make the decision to transracially adopt. I know we didn't. However, for T's sake I sure hope that we can now continue to learn and be mindful of this great responsibility. He is certainly worth it! And we gain some beautiful things ourselves: a precious son, a new richer understanding of another culture, and hopefully the diversity even in our home will fight our own ethnocentrism and make the world look a bit more like God intended. This is an excellent resource and I highly recommend it! Love to hear your thoughts, too...

Growing Up!

Right now, the kids are watching Dora as I take a brief pre-bedtime break. We have had a really great day today. We woke up and pretended we were at a camp out, then we played Memory which was really fun until the last couple of minutes when a fight broke out and preschool legs started flying. That's kind of our deal lately. We have lots of fun until they remember that they are brother and sister and should be doing something to antagonize/bother/injure the other one. I spend the majority of my day when we are at home as a referee. That is the primary reason why we get out so much.

So, once they started brawling I knew it was my cue to get us out of the house. We went to the gym where they happily went and played in the bouncer. Then we went to the mall and used a gift card for lunch at Wildflower bread company where we actually had a pleasant lunch together. They sat there with me and we talked and enjoyed our food and no one had a high chair or a difficult time remaining seated. We didn't use a stroller at the mall. They just walked with me (and ran, but not too far from where I was). We went to Barnes and Noble and read books together where no one flipped out about not buying anything. In fact, they happily left the mall empty handed. They enjoyed a bit of the survival of the fittest in the mall play area and then we headed home. We played pet store (which they came up with), ate dinner, took showers and laid down for a movie before bed. And all the while I was able to enjoy their cute comments and just feel so blessed that they are mine. One of my highlights was when we got into a kissing fight where we each tried to smooch each other as much as possible and ended up in big giggles. :)

This all may sound pretty normal and uneventful, however, it is kind of a milestone for us. The biggest accomplishment is that I don't feel like going crazy and we are only 2 nights away from J's return from Africa. Yes, we had a fun day together and we have been without daddy for 5 days. Don't get us wrong, we miss him terribly, but I am not on the exhausted verge of tears that I usually am at this point in his trips. The kids are growing up so very quickly! Not to mention we had some AMAZING help from grandparents on both sides earlier in the week as well as WONDERFUL friends who kept us busy and distracted. I guess I just feel really happy to see how much we can enjoy each other and do more than survive. I credit it to each child only waking up once per night on average, the incredible support system we have here, and the fact that these kids are really growing up. I love days like this...they really make this whole journey so wonderful, event he days that are not like this. And, I really love that we get to pick daddy up at the airport in only 42ish more hours. Even great days are even better when he is around!

Good Mothers Don't...

So, typically I am not a big fan of books about how to be a good mom because they usually make me feel guilty and seem too unrealistic anyhow. However, I have been reading this book called, Tender Mercy for a Mother's Soul, with a couple of friends, and I have actually been enjoying it. She has talked a lot about making sure you care for your soul because the care you give to your family overflows from that.

In one section, the author talks about how she had always tried to subscribe to this imaginary unspoken list in her head of what a good mother does. She goes on to list things like: always has a clean house, always has a healthy made-from-scratch meal on the table when dinnertime rolls around, does at least one craft per day with her children, has the patience of Job, etc... These things sound ridiculous when you read them in list form, though I find myself very guilty of making myself feel guilty with these weird standards of what a "good mother" does or doesn't do. I started to think as I went through my day about the things that would happen and what the apparent rules on my list were. Here are a few I came up with:

1. A good mother does not have a child who rolls around on the floor yelling in Ross.

2. A good mother doesn't have (or need) her kids to watch more than ____ amount of T.V.

3. A good mother doesn't have a child who demands a glass of milk before even attempting to simply ask for one.

4. A good mother definitely doesn't let her child have ____ amount of sugar (and she certainly doesn't let her child eat 5 mini-cupcakes in a day).

5. A good mother doesn't raise her voice to get her children to stop pouncing on each other.

6. A good mother can get tired, cranky kids to nap when they need to.

7. A good mother can keep the house clean without extreme efforts.

8. A good mother always has a fun, educational activity up her sleeve.

9. A good mother models patience and all that is good - even on mornings like this one....

As you may have guessed each one of those rules was violated by me in the recent past. And each time I violate one of those "rules" I hear in my head how very far I have to go as a mom and how I have probably ruined my children. And, as I see my faults, I get discouraged, because I have perfectionist, first-born tendencies I can't kick.

Then, I realize what I need to hear. I need to hear, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9. And, I need to throw that list out the window for every other purpose than to remind myself that though there is MUCH weakness, there are that many more opportunities for his strength. I think I need to think a lot more about God and a lot less about me. And, hopefully, my kids will wear rose-colored glasses when they remember their childhood - maybe I will just order those now...

Eight Years!

J and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary last weekend with our very first night away from the kids! It was just wonderful and well worth the wait! I didn't worry at all, as I knew they were having a blast with their Nana and Papa. I would imagine it is much easier not to worry when you don't leave them until they are practically school age! Anyhow, we began enjoying our time away with lunch out followed by a movie. We saw Inception, and it was a good pick - a nice compromise between my affinity for redemptive or romantic comedy movies and J's love of action espionage movies. It was definitely the first movie we had seen in the theater together for about 2 years I think. We didn't even remember to put the arm rest up until halfway through since we were so out of practice!

After that we got gelato and headed to our hotel in Scottsdale. Yay for J's delta miles! We went for an evening swim and lounged around and talked. Then we got late-night Chipotle. We were able to be spontaneous and just have fun talking and laughing together. We brought Chipotle back and watched an old Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (super romantic, huh?) Then we enjoyed the comfy bed for a compete night's sleep! We even slept in until around 8:30!

We got some Starbuck's and leisurely made our way home to rescue the grandparents the next day. When we got there the kids weren't too excited to see us. It had been a lot of swimming, movies, and pure "grandparenty goodness" and I think they were sad to see it come to an end, too. T even punished me for a bit by shunning me...no hugs, no "hi's," no anything. He got over it eventually. Then we got to experience our first post-sleepover attitude from our little princess the rest of the day. I completely remember when my parents would be so irritated that I was so grumpy the day after sleepovers (due to exhaustion) and I got to experience it firsthand. Thanks for wishing that on me, mom and dad. Sorry for all of those times... It's not pretty. Luckily, we were well-rested and happy to spend time with our precious kids, grumpy or not. :)

Overall, we had such a wonderful anniversary. I am so thankful for J and so very blessed to be on this adventure with him! And now we are plotting for our next night away....

Motherhood is so extreme...

Motherhood is so extreme. I feel like each day I experience extreme joy and happiness in celebrating the little things that are so big for the little people I love. I also feel like I experience extreme frustration, and subsequently extreme guilt, due to my lack of patience in certain situations. J has been out of town for the last 4 nights, and we have done surprisingly well. I mean, really, the kids are so much bigger that I can actually get them to sleep at a reasonable time, and I can entertain them with fun activities like drawing on the shower walls with markers (until they turned on each other), or playing hide and seek, or using letter stamps and coloring pictures (all of those things happened during the short period of 4:30 and 5:30 p.m. yesterday. I actually didn't cry while daddy was away this time nor did I feel like I couldn't make it another day. (My parents were also awesome with helping out. I am so thankful for them!)

However, with their age also has come fighting with each other - sometimes physical. I mean seriously, some of these altercations are like the WWF, there are just less spandex costumes and more rage. So, while physically things are about a zillion times more manageable, emotionally the fighting with each other and sassiness with me are really remarkable.

One of those situations that really tests my patience has been happening a lot these days. Perhaps, you can relate? It goes something like this:

Me: Please get in the car.

Preschooler: No, you go to the other side. I want to do it myself.

Me: I can't go to the other side, I have to make sure you are safe. Go ahead and climb in yourself.

Preschooler: I need to get my ____ . I think I forgot it.

Me: You'll be okay without it. Please just get in the car.

Preschooler: I NEED my ______!!

Me: Oh, look you actually left it on the floor of the car buried in crumbs and other miscellaneous plastic things. Here it is. It is very hot outside. Please climb in your seat.

Preschooler: I need to swing into my seat.

Me: Okay! Just get in. (Waiting) That's it. If you don't get in before I count to three I am putting you in myself. 1-2....

Preschooler: I'm in my seat. NO! You can't buckle me. I need to do it myself!

Me: Okay, do it yourself! Just please hurry! Mommy is sweaty because it is a 115 degrees out here and she is about to lose it. (For those of you not in AZ that temperature is literal, not an exaggeration.)

*5 more minutes pass while the "self-buckling" takes place before mommy can do the final snaps.

Preschooler (whining and apparently just realizing the temperature): It's HOT! I'm SOOOO firsty (thirsty!)

*Repeat this on the other side of the car with the other preschooler.

This heat is making me a very testy person. Nevertheless, now juxtapose that sweaty-car-seat-battle-for-independence with the sweetest moments watching T realize that he knows all but one of his letters or snuggling up with B as she explains to me the cupcakes she would like to make for all of her friends from ballet class. Or hearing them pray and thank God for their families and talk about how they know they don't have to be afraid because He is with them. Picture the midnight, "Mommy, I can't sleep. Can you please snuggle me?"And then you know why I let these little people force me to stand out in the unbearable heat in order to buckle their car seat for 15 minutes a pop. And still I wouldn't trade the job for anything.

Ahhh, the desert...

This week we have been enjoying the "cooler" temperatures that come with monsoon season. It's only been in the mid-90's which has been an excellent reprieve from the 115 degree heat we had experienced last week. You should see the kids run to grab their umbrellas at the sight of two or three rain drops.

We spent the 4th of July up at my in-laws cabin which was a lot of fun! We saw fireworks (well, everyone except T who fell asleep), hunted for bugs and rocks, picked veggies from the garden with Nana, and rode a lot of go-kart with Papa. Not to mention we even needed to wear a jacket occasionally.

Even in spite of the crazy temps, we have been managing to stay cool enough with morning playdates with friends, museums, swimming lessons, splash pads, libraries, and so on.

In fact today we went with some friends to a tour at Coldstone Creamery where the kids got to help make ice cream and then of course eat some! My awesome friend, Tasia, set this up for us, and we all had a blast!

However, we do have to stay inside most afternoons because I can't bear to stand in the torturous heat while each preschooler insists/attempts to buckle their own car seats by themselves. The sun seems to beat down even hotter during those waits.

Even so, the kids have really gotten so old! I am realizing this in that they require much less manual labor than last summer. But, I do think they zap more emotional energy at this point. Between antagonizing each other (T is a pro!) and whining (B could give even the best whiner a run for their money) there are some days where I think I just might lose it. Thankfully, they make up for it with the ridiculous number of cute things they say. There are very few things that are better than snuggling them and reading together or seeing them enjoy some little activity we are doing. They adore each other, too. I peeked into their sports class the other day and saw them each keep picking each other in duck-duck-goose until the teacher intervened.

We have now been back from Africa for two months though it is very much still on our hearts. It is so strange for me to be reading travel warnings about potential terror threats and the danger of being in public places that we used to frequent just weeks ago in Kenya. We are praying for a peaceful voting process on August 4th in Nairobi, and thinking of all of the people we shared moments with while we were there.

As for our African friends here, we were able to take the refugee family we are working with to Walmart for the first time. I got to hold their little one year old baby boy as we walked around and he kept grabbing my hand and pushing it to his toes so I could count them once again. It was nice to be able to help a bit with some little things, like demonstrating what to do with air freshener and showing her that she didn't want swim diapers (that would have been a leaky disappointment of a diaper!) It made me remember what it was like to be in a foreign grocery store for the first time. It's pretty daunting.

I think they were surprised they could buy pineapples and shoes in the same place, but other than that they didn't display too much shock. The cashier accidentally dropped their can of fruit on the floor and it was very dented. She told the family that they would get a new one, but the family insisted, "No problem! No problem!" It was pretty interesting to think that this dented can was probably of not much concern when they had spent the past years living in a refugee camp after fleeing their war torn country. It's amazing the perspective you can gain even in a Walmart. Now if only I can keep that perspective...

California Love...

This past week we were able to spend a few days in Pasadena while J held a staff retreat. We got to wear jackets! We enjoyed early morning "June gloom" cloudiness. We hit up all of our favorite kid hang-outs. And we did all of this while daddy was working away. Don't worry we took him to the beach one day. :)

But, the best part, was seeing all of our friends there. The kids adored reuniting with beloved playmates, and I thoroughly enjoyed the great conversations catching up with very close friends. It is pretty amazing to look back and realize how many amazing people God brought through our path while we lived there for two years, and it is even more special to know that almost a year after we moved we can still come back and have talks and fun like we never left at all.

So, my kids are pretty funny. They are saying and doing hilarious things at a rate which is much too fast for me to record them all. But, I felt like there was a concentrated amount of randomness this past trip which I have taken the time to document.

- T (who is now diaperless - yay!!) apparently had a little too much fun on our second night in town as he threw up as we took him up to the hotel room. He then woke up the next day and said in a very dramatic fashion, "I can't walk, Mommy, carry me!" before going limp. I got a little nervous when he preferred to sleep in the stroller than play at the park. But upon waking him after the park to get back in the car he just said, "I feel good, mom!" and it was over. So, apparently the boy who plays hard also rests hard on occasion. He wasn't sick, just tired. And I must admit I love the extra chances to snuggle my precious and very active boy.

-Unfortunately, the vomiting episode took place on B's side of the car. We tried to clean it up with hotel towels and hot water. Surprise - not all that effective at removing the smell. The next day, B starts gagging about it and says, "Ewww! I don't want to smell T's bacteria!" He luckily didn't seem too offended.

- We had a free hour during our trip so we stopped by our old Petsmart hang out. The kids loved it just as much as when they were one year-olds. At one point I did look over to find T mooning me, just for fun, but thankfully, I don't think anyone saw before I could explain why we don't do that in public. During that same visit, B was telling me again about how she is going to be an "animal carer" when she grows up which is super sweet. The only downfall is that it unfortunately sounds a lot like "animal killer" when she says it so I often need to quickly clarify when she tells this to friends, family, and strangers. She said she is also planning to be a doctor, vet, mommy, and princess. :) I think she should add writer to the list because she tells amazing stories, and never has enough time to finish each one, though she was hopeful when she heard we were a captive audience for our 6 hour drive.

- While over at our friend's house I noticed T start to make a disgusted face at which point he asked me for a wipe for his tongue. I asked why and he said, "Because I licked that rock." I look and see a somewhat triangle shaped boulder (see picture below). I of course, ask, "Why did you do that?" "Because I thought it was pizza. But it wasn't." Mystery solved.

- When B had just finished a new activity at one of our former favorite Pasadena parks, T wanted to try. Before he did she warned him, "T, this might scare you, but...it's a cool challenge." My very brave boy took the challenge happily. This was also the park B's second birthday was at, and she excitedly recalled, "I have a lot of rememberies from my birthday here!"

I agree with her. We have had an awesome year with great family and friends in AZ, but we still have a lot of great "rememberies" from Pasadena and of the people there, too. :) So glad it's such a nice place to visit!